The Velocipastor: Quick Bites
Dir. Brendan Steere (2018)
When a priest’s parents are killed, he takes a trip to China to re-find God. There, he stumbles across an artifact that turns him into The Dragon Warrior™, who is actually a dinosaur, and must save the world from drug-smuggling Christian ninjas.
What a crazy, hilarious trip this film is. A tale as old as time, priest Doug (Greg Cohan) rescues and then falls in love with a prostitute, Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), after he rescues her from attackers by transforming into a velociraptor. They then become a crime-fighting duo, using his new powers of animal magnetism to dispatch any do-badders they come across.
Eventually they find the big Bad Guys, who are actually a Christian sect of ninjas who are trying to smuggle drugs into the community to make people get addicted, and then seek treatment, which will turn them to Christ. And that’s not even the craziest shit that happens in this movie. This film is a must-see for anyone who appreciates absurdist humor, and it is one of the very best indie horror/action films that I have ever seen. It’s truly hilarious, and its an ambitious effort while still remaining as low-budget and ridiculous as possible. I honestly didn’t want to make this a Quick Bite just because I have so much love in my heart for this film, but it’s really one you just have to see for yourself. Don’t be deterred by the ridiculous premise; this movie is a comedic masterpiece. Please, please watch this movie, and let me know what you think. If you don’t laugh uproariously at the dinosaur preacher’s full-body reveal in the finale, then I don’t want to be friends with you any more.