Corin Hardy (2018)
A Romanian nun hangs herself from her nun castle, the Vatican sends a priest to investigate, which turns out to be a really bad idea.
CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
Jammed into the timeline of the Conjuring Universe (CU) to capitalize off of the success of the films and to show us more about Valak, the creepy-ass nun from the other films, The Nun does everything it can to make us less scared of that terrifying creature and bore the shit out of us in the meantime. Taking place in 1858 in… wait, 1958? Really? Why the fuck is everyone dressed like they’re in the Industrial Revolution? Ok, so 1958 in Romania, which apparently looks like the 1800’s in the rest of the world. The nunnery is lacking in both nuns and gardeners, as it looks like an overgrown castle rather than a house of prayer.
The Nun decided to use the path that several of the other movies that didn’t do as well took, in leaving out both James Wan and the Warrens, a bold move seeing as how they’re the only reasons the other movies were any good. Yeah, Valak is scary and all, and there are scenes where she is used liberally, but Taissa Farmiga is no replacement for her older sister and she does a terrible job of her half-assed English accent like she’s starring in an Old Hollywood movie. It’s all disorienting and, frankly, lame. Thankfully, what the movie lacks in scares is made up for by the short runtime, the shortest in the CU at just an hour and 36 minutes. But by God, you feel each one of those 96 minutes
Ok, we get it, you’re scary. Brush your fucking teeth.
The story is convoluted and frustrating, because any film with such scary visuals has to work incredibly hard to be as boring as this one is. There hasn’t been this much wasted talent since every season the Cowboys have played since the 90’s (The Morrigan isn’t gonna like that one…), and it’s frustrating to the point of irritation. The whole backstory of how an evil priest tried to raise Valak and was stopped by the Knights Templar is dumb as hell, but it would have made an infinitely better movie than this one.
The plot holes are wide enough you could drive a nun-filled truck through. The Vatican sends these folks to investigate and the nuns just flat-out don’t give a shit. First off, aren’t they supposed to listen to what the Vatican says? Isn’t that the whole thing with nuns? Also, the Catholic Church doesn’t know there’s a portal to Hell at this convent? And if they do, why the fuck aren’t they monitoring it a bit more closely than with a bunch of young girls?
The first person who comes to mind to help seal the portal to Hell.
They literally have a nun praying constantly to help keep the portal to Hell sealed, while one of the other nuns tells Taissa Farmiga that the portal to Hell was opened by the bombs of World War II. So you’re chanting to keep a portal closed that’s already open. This movie makes no goddamned sense. You see the shit I have to watch for you people?! Why does the Catholic Church even build nunneries on a portal to Hell! That seems like a terrible fucking plan.
The second CU film that seemed to focus more on boredom rather than scares, The Nun is both the highest grossing CU film and the lowest rated. Valak is scary enough to bring people into the theater but apparently not enough to make the movie any fucking good. The film is a slow burn that ends in a fizzle, not a fire, and is just flat-out not a good movie. Way too many plot holes, way too little action, and maybe the constant use of the Nun makes her less scary than she should be, I don’t know. Either way, there’s certainly no sense in watching this movie if you haven’t already, because there’s nothing to be gained from watching one of the worst mainstream horror movies I’ve ever seen (though it’s still better than Annabelle: Creation.)
Who this movie is for: CU completionsists, People who are swayed by movie posters, Corin Hardy so he has to watch what he did
Bottom line: The Nun wastes both concept and visual effects to become the second most boring CU movie. This one can be left out, and they’re making a sequel so maybe they’ll learn their lesson. The Nun could’ve been great, ironically, if they hadn’t included all the other damn nuns, because nobody cares about them. Skip this one and watch all of the other ones (other than Annabelle: Creation, which also sucks.)