• Rev Horror

Conjoined

Dir. Joe Grisaffi (2013)

A man gets engaged to his online girlfriend. Unbeknownst to him, she is half of a pair of Siamese twins. She's sweet as could be, but her sister... is kinda crazy.


CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS


Online dating gets a lot of shit. It really does. That being said, it's pretty terrifying. Nowadays, people looking for online dates have Skype, Facetime, and all sorts of other means to actually see the person they're communicating with. 12 years ago, we had mIRC and instant messenger, but it was pretty difficult to actually see the other person (anyone remember what pictures from camera phones looked like 12 years ago?) It was a little scary knowing that the person on the other side of the computer could be completely different from what you expect them to be. Skype erased that, but... well, as we find out in this film, sometimes it doesn't take away all the mystery.


Stanley is a lovable loser who just got engaged to a woman named Alina (played by the beautiful Michelle Ellen Jones). He talks to her every night on videochat, and when he hangs up with her, he calls up a camgirl who talks to him at $2.99 a minute. He goes to one for love, and the other for advice, which really isn't a bad setup. One night, his new fiancee announces that she has a sister named Alisa (parents are so creative), and that they're "really close." Obviously from the title, her twin sister is attached, Siamese-style. Unfortunately for Stanley, his bride-to-be's conjoined twin is a maniac.

Of course, being the Siamese twin of a sister who recently got engaged can make a girl lonely, and Alisa asks to be set up with someone to date herself. Stanley sets her up with his friend from work, and they absolutely do not hit it off. The dinner ends with "Alina, nice to meet you. Alisa, fuck you." As we soon find out, Stanley's friend got incredibly lucky, because the next person she dates, a pop-collared douchebag named Ty, ends up having his head bashed into the floor until he dies.


Stanley is, of course, shocked, but also learns that this isn't the first time she's done this. Turns out, she's a homicidal maniac. Through various twists and turns, and plenty of other murders, Stanley decides he wants the girl of his dreams all to himself, and separates them with a pair of electric hedge trimmers. Things actually get worse after that.


A horror comedy with two hearts, Conjoined is a Troma-esque film that is, quite frankly, a brilliant concept for a movie. It's a true B-movie, and the acting matches. The cast, pretty much top to bottom, left a little to be desired, but the script wasn't bad, and the directing was top notch. The cinematography was excellent for a B-movie, though the sound did have some hiccups. All that being said, for any bad parts of the movie, I've most certainly seen worse.

Like this. I actually believe he's eating a burger.


The gore was reminiscent of Herschel Gordon Lewis, and there were body parts galore strewn throughout (though admittedly clearly fake). It's a good low-budget flick with B-movie appeal, and is definitely worth a watch on the indie film circuit. I'm a huge fan of indie horror, and when they throw in a little bit of genuinely funny dialogue, I'm all in. They were kind enough to let me watch it even though I missed the film festivals it played at, and I'm glad I did. As a fan of Troma, you kinda get used to so-bad-they're-good movies. This one wasn't one of those. It's funny, it's light-hearted, and quite honestly, it's really more of a romantic comedy with a little bit of bloody murder. There were some ridiculous scenes (like where Stanley sits on his bed and laughs and cries maniacally for like 45 seconds, which got a little awkward), but all in all I think it works. There's a scene near the end that's actually a little creepy as well, a nice change in the third act.

Who this movie is for: Horror comedy fans, B-movie lovers, Famed surgeon and terrible government employee Ben Carson

Bottom Line: Not a bad flick. A must-watch for people who love Troma flims, or B-Movies in general, and probably worth a watch for others as well. It's certainly a good time, and you'll find yourself laughing a lot more than you're scared. Grisafi takes a great idea and runs with it, and this one is definitely worth your time.

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