Carnage For The Destroyer
Dir. Chris Seaver (2006)
A group of high school students get together to work a seasonal job involving the redesign of a haunted house. There, one of them summons a demon who is hell-bent on murdering all of them. The group must find a way to defeat the evil in the dumbest way possible and save the world, or at least their haunted house.
CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.
Carnage For The Destroyer was brought to us by the appropriately named Low Budget Pictures. As fitting as the name is, they really should change their name to We Don’t Know How To Make Pictures. Apparently the director, Chris Seaver, has more than a little cult following, and some horror fans rave about his other productions. This one didn’t get too many great reviews, and I guess I’ll have to add to the negativity. I can only hope that some of his other films are better than this one, because this one… not so much. With horrible, VHS-quality camerawork and a utterly moronic script and cast of characters, I would have to think his other films can’t be too much worse.
The movie opens with an intro that scrolls words down the screen, but don’t worry if you can’t read or are blind (to which I ask why you’re watching the film at all), because a local Shakesperean community theater actor is going to read the lines for you. We discover quickly that our plot revolves around a group of “high-schoolers” whose jobs are to run a haunted house attraction. Their leader, Sebastian, is a mixture of a Led Zeppelin-inspired Lord of the Rings caricature mixed with a WAY less cool or funny Bill/Ted/Wayne/Garth hybrid who plays a guitar that, through most of the movie, isn’t plugged in, and gives us facial expressions that would be more at home in Troll 2. We also have the tragically “hip” Choach, who is a ladies’ man that I’m not sure has ever actually had a lady, though we see him with two in the beginning. Joining our crew is the fetish-obsessed Morgana, Beatrice (who is a weird middle-aged person with a bizarrely fake New York accent (think a less well-done Coffee Talk)), and Teen Ape, who is a teenager who wears an ape mask. Yeah.
To give you a little insight into how batshit stupid this movie was, three of the “actors” were named Teen Ape, AJ Stabone, and Dana McBoobs. I’m assuming that last one isn’t her real name, but I’m really hoping that it is. These would be great names for a porno, but this movie doesn’t have the decency to be a porno. It does border on it with a scene in which a fake penis ejaculates profusely onto the aforementioned Dana’s McBoobs. This is a horror comedy, and I use both of those terms incredibly loosely. It is legitimately one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but… I couldn’t look away. Seriously, it’s almost indescribable. It was so ridiculously, over-the-top horrible and juvenile that I couldn’t help but laugh a little at times. The jokes were not at all funny for the most part, though I suppose they might somewhat hit the mark if you’re a 15 year old stoner,
I’m very thankful that this film was less than an hour long. I wouldn’t have been able to take it for too much longer. There’s almost literally no gore, save a scene where someone has their intestines ripped out of their body and wrapped around their neck. And actually, lets back up for a minute and discuss that. What is it with this being a horror movie trope? You’d think that, if you were trying to make a gory movie, you would try to be either inventive or varied from the norm, but nope, guts every single time.
There’s also a shocking amount of straight-up racism in this film. I’m not sure why, it really has no bearing on the plot. Early in the film, there’s a character who comes along and just starts spouting racist shit for literally no reason at all. They make fun of her, and say they’re offended, and then go on their merry way. I mean, this chick (at least I think it was a chick) starts talking about being a Nazi, burning Jews, and random other racial epithets, and then leaves the film for good. She’s in it for 2 minutes, and all two minutes are a step back for our culture as a whole. I’m impressively hard to offend, but seriously? What’s the point? Nice addition there.
Our good guys, if you can call them that, summon the demon Apollyon, which is just a dude in a weird mask with a hammer who runs around yelling “boogity boogity” as he kills people. He actually yells boogity boogity, which, I get, is supposed to be funny, but it’s not, man. He’s eventually defeated by Sebastian’s “true metal,” which is the Hobbit-loving dude playing a guitar in the middle of the bowling alley they hole up in. He’s bestowed his magical metal power by a wizard named Baglio the Buoyant, who is buoyant because his ballsack is so full. Eh… ok… Not quite sure where the wizard came from, but he grants us the magical wish of making the movie end, so I suppose that works as well as anything else.
The only thing cool about this movie is Sebastian’s tshirts, which jump randomly from scene to scene between a Judas Priest shirt to a King Diamond tee. The only positive thing about this film is that the actors positively committed to their roles. It’s just that their roles were positively awful. It’s one thing to make a horror comedy. It’s another thing entirely to make a movie that is so ridiculously over-acted (on purpose, no less, or at least I hope so) and not funny that we’re watching a movie with no cinematic value whatsoever. Racism for the sake of racism is still racism, dude. You can pull it off if you’re funny, but unfortunately, this film was not. Sophomoric and useless, this might’ve bumped Violent Shit 3 or Near Death as the worst movie I’ve ever seen/reviewed for this site.
Nah. Near Death was way worse.
Side note: I have rewatched this movie several times at this point, and I have to admit that there is something charming about Seaver's films. I even ended up buying a multipack autographed by the man himself. His films are certainly hard to love, but they're also a trip in an of themselves. I would never recommend it to any actually discerning horror fan, but for those who like juvenile humor? Ehh, what the hell.
Who this movie is for: Juvenile comedy fans, Juvenile horror comedy fans, Juveniles
Bottom line: Look, this is just about as bad of a review as I'm capable of writing, and yet... I've rewatched this movie like a half dozen times. I seriously can't explain it, there's just something about director Chris Seaver's style that appeals to me, even though it absolutely shouldn't in any way whatsoever. Maybe give this one a shot and see if its your bag, because there are a ton more movies with his name on it that you'd like just as much if you dig this one.